Hiding in Plain Sight
You can cast a wider net since specific subject matter expertise or a close personal relationship is not required.
A mentor may be a member of your cycling group, a former business colleague, a fellow supporter of your favorite charity, etc. A mentor is not a prospective client, as the possibility of a business relationship unavoidably casts a pall over the mentee’s intentions and inhibits communication.
How do you move from acquaintances to mentors and mentees? Like any healthy relationship, it does not start with Cupid’s arrow, nor is it forced. Absent some groundwork, a mentor request appears opportunistic and transactional instead of an invitation to a relationship. Most likely, an accumulation of relatively minor interactions provides you a reason to believe the person could and would be helpful.
Are your conversations about people and things or ideas and values? Not where you went on vacation, but what did you learn there? Not what was the last book you read, but what are you doing differently based on learning from the last book you read? What did you learn from your first boss that you still use today?
The First Date
In one instance, the relationship began when a fellow board member of a trade association made the following request. “I notice you have a robust professional network, and I want to learn how to expand mine. Can we meet to discuss how you do it?” Based on our previous interactions, I knew she was serious and desired guidance.
Do not be too apprehensive about asking; most successful people want to help those sincerely interested in being helped.
During the first meeting, the interpersonal connection is more critical than any guidance received. Did you feel comfortable disclosing the necessary facts and discussing the issue? Did the mentor show interest, ask questions, or look at her watch? Did the conversation flow, or was it awkward?
Perfect interaction is unnecessary, nor do you need to ask to go steady at the end of the first date. If you wish to pursue the mentorship, build upon the foundation laid by expressing appreciation for the initial meeting and asking if you can follow up with a progress report. The mentor’s non-verbal response contains the answer.
Resist the Temptation
How much do you need to say if you are there to learn?
You do not need to spend time impressing your mentor with your knowledge. Likewise, mentors must avoid my former practice of elaborating on my qualifications to justify my mentee’s choice. You came together because each had a favorable opinion of the other’s intelligence and ability to provide or benefit from mentorship,
Supply your mentor with enough to understand the situation but not a “spill your guts” monologue. My poor mentor endured lengthy, excruciatingly detailed, and entirely unnecessary tales of woe. I think he kindly indulged my need to vent or simply enjoyed the comedic value of the stories.
One of my mentees has learned to stop droning on when my facial expression communicates I have heard more than enough. Perceptive mentors can read between the lines or ask questions if they need more information.
Remember, every moment you spend talking is one less moment your mentor can offer her perspective and wisdom. Additionally, do not allow preconceived notions about what you hope to hear (i.e., validation) to prevent you from receiving what you need.
The most compelling reason for a mentor’s careful listening is to hear the symptoms so you can discern the real, underlying issue (much more about this next week).
Do not fear too much listening will cause a stalemate of silence; the discussion is typically lively. However, there is nothing to fear from a pregnant pause permitting thoughtful contemplation before speaking.
We have completed the groundwork for finding and forming a mentorship relationship. Next week, we will discuss the most beneficial mentorship strategy.
