To Yourself
Too often, we talk to ourselves like no one has ever spoken or would speak to us or in a manner we would never speak to someone else.
Negative self-talk is the enemy of a fulfilling life by fostering doubt about our abilities and creating a standard for ourselves below our true potential. We tell ourselves we lack some attribute (not smart or good-looking enough, did not come from the right family, etc.) to obtain what we desire and what could be ours.
At some point, an overwhelming majority of us suffer from imposter syndrome. Ironically, imposters achieve the impossible. They believe they cannot do what they are actually doing.
The parents who said, “You will never amount to anything,” the schoolyard bullies who teased you about your hairdo, or gossiping co-workers who complain you are the company’s weakest link may provide fuel for your negative voice. Regrettably, we exacerbate the effect by conflating those words into something worse than what was uttered or intended.
The Invisible Hand
We hold ourselves down more than anyone else does. As a single man, women rarely declined my invitation for a date. Was I a ladies’ man? No. Most women I wanted to date never had the chance to refuse; I rejected myself by never asking. I preempted the question by convincing myself I was not good-looking, rich, or charming enough to receive a positive response. Thankfully, I was rescued by the person who set me up on a blind date with Cathy.
The mind has a brilliant capacity to conjure up and focus on reasons why you cannot do something. The guy with college and law degrees and decades of rich personal and business experience tells himself he is incapable of writing a blog despite millions of blogs and bloggers. Why? He was a poor English student who misused pronouns, could not envision setting up a website or automated email system, has an accounting degree instead of an English degree, and lacks formal writing instruction.
The Reaction
You can combat negative self-talk and develop a more objective view of the possible by utilizing self-affirmation exercises, such as creating lists of positive attributes. You can also employ techniques addressing third-party criticism (see the “Am I really a…?” and “Sticks and Stones” posts).
A role-playing exercise where you are the affirming voice for a similarly afflicted friend is also helpful. You probably would react by exclaiming, “How could someone with your talent/education/experience, etc., possibly think that!” and follow with words of kindness and encouragement to dispel the negativity as untrue or irrelevant. You might learn to be as good to yourself as you are to your friends.
While comparison is typically the enemy of joy, it can be positive when you adopt a “If they can do it, so can I” mentality. Successful people usually do not start with more favorable circumstances than ours and rarely possess any genuinely unique talent. Nor are they free from self-doubt, but they are optimistic about their ability and believe they can succeed (and pair it with hard work).
I am referring not only to business titans like Sarah Blakely, the inspirational founder of Spanx, but also to the “artists” who post ridiculous videos on TikTok and rake in millions in sponsorships.
A Caveat & Admonitions
Negativity can result from tragic events requiring professional intervention to address correctly. For example, child victims of abuse suffer profound wounds to their self-esteem. Fortunately, most can benefit from therapeutic treatment to transition from victims to survivors.1
Before entirely dismissing negative self-talk, an honest assessment may reveal opportunities for improvement. The self-imposed “not smart enough” tag may be obscuring the truth that you are not putting forth sufficient effort toward learning.
Like our other inherent tendencies, we cannot eradicate negative self-talk, but recognition, affirmation, and thoughtful reflection can mitigate its effects. Do not despair when it inevitably arises; the processing is educational and empowering.
1If you are a victim of child abuse, I implore you to seek assistance regardless of your age and how long ago it occurred. You can find excellent resources at the Children’s Advocacy of Collin County.
