…words will never hurt me. Do they teach children this lesson anymore, or has it gone the way of cursive? Today’s message is for those needing a refresher and snowflakes.
Of course, it is much easier to widely broadcast words today than when I learned this saying as a child and when it was initially penned in the mid-1800s. We are no longer limited to whispering gossip into our classmate’s ear or scrawling scandalous words on the bathroom wall.
Of course, size and scope are relative. Fifty years ago, my world consisted of my schoolyard and neighborhood. Today, we can spread our message around the globe with a single keystroke. Moreover, our words do not dissipate with soundwaves or fade on notebook paper but are preserved in the Cloud.
Oh Really?
The issue is assigning outsized values to messages and their messengers. Why do we emotionally invest in Facebook and Instagram comments made by distant acquaintances or strangers?
When confronted with disparaging remarks, ask if the commenters genuinely care about you or the subject or if commenting is merely a sport for them. Consider the famous quote erroneously attributed to Winston Churchill. “When you’re 20, you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60, you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.”
As a member of the last category, I find the quote true, liberating, and orienting. True is the reality. Liberating as it relieves me from needless concern over the opinions of others. Orienting, for when I direct my words and actions toward the values I treasure, I am pleased with my conduct.
Alternatively
Over your lifetime, you were undoubtedly the recipient of many troubling insults. Today, you have forgotten most and regard virtually all you can recall as inconsequential.1 Remember this fact when you hear or see the next offensive remark. In time, this new one shall be forgotten or relegated to its proper place.
Cannot unhear what has been heard? What about when someone spoke poorly of you behind your back, and you never learned of it? Those unknown words cannot affect you; only your awareness gives them agency. We can adopt my friend’s approach, who wisely observed, “What someone thinks of me is none of my business.”
Not satisfied, we extend our concern to the thoughts of the person who heard the negative comment. We forget (i) the “Churchill” quote or (ii) the recipient will seek clarification from you if it matters. Most importantly, we forget our explanation would have as much influence on changing minds as the presidential debates.
Irony Worthy of O. Henry
We grant value where none is justified. There are those we would not trust to provide a restaurant recommendation but allow their opinions to trouble our minds.
We count every coin the cashier gives but freely welcome a random comment about our appearance to preoccupy our thoughts. If the entrance to our minds were as tight as our purse strings, we would not fall victim to what the TikTok generation calls “living in your head rent-free.”
If our minds reciprocated with positive comments, there would, at least, be some poetic justice. Does a positive compliment on your hairdo play an endless loop in your head, or is it “in one ear and out the other”? Unfortunately, we readily accept the negative but quickly jettison the positive.
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The world’s inevitable assaults will not disrupt your peace when your thoughts and actions are grounded in your values.
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1Regrettably, we cannot easily forget harsh words spoken by those closest to us. Fortunately, you can address the wounds and largely be released from their impact (but not in the span of a blog post).