Me?
You may expect the person you need to forgive most is the parent who misshaped you during your formative years or the school bully who gave you wedgies and an inferiority complex. Yes, you need to forgive them, but you need self-forgiveness, as an absence impedes the pursuit of a fulfilling life.
Please note the use of “have been” in the title. You must come to the table of forgiveness remorseful and committed to ceasing your transgressions. If not, stay unforgiven, but continue reading to see what you are missing.
Why and How?
For the same reason you forgive others, you need to forgive yourself. Instead of being imprisoned by anger toward others, guilt and shame incarcerate you. They create feelings of unworthiness and rob your peace.
Self-forgiveness goes beyond removing the unworthiness that holds you down; it empowers you to do good for yourself and others. I serve Cathy and my descendants more abundantly after putting aside grief over the misdeeds they somewhat lovingly identify.
Can you forgive yourself when you have not apologized and make reparations? Yes, remorse may create a desire to make things right, but it is not a prerequisite due to frequent impossibility (i.e., cannot locate the injured parties, they refuse the offer, or the reparation will cause more harm). For further discussion, refer to making amends in 12-step programs.
Can you forgive yourself when your friend has not forgiven you for stealing her boyfriend? Yes, self-forgiveness is not reliant on our victim granting forgiveness. We cannot allow our victims’ non-forgiveness to prevent us from releasing guilt and doing better. Those who cannot accept self-forgiveness are more likely to steal another boyfriend than the forgiven ones, who regret the injury inflicted and would avoid inflicting another.
Missing the opportunity to do better because of guilt and shame could be a greater tragedy than the original wrongdoing, as the period and degree of doing better may far exceed the prior offenses.
Yes & No
Of course, self-forgiveness is not a get-out-of-jail-free card nor an excuse for lukewarm reformation. You cannot be like my younger self, going to the confessional asking for forgiveness for last weekend’s debauchery when I already scheduled a toga party for the coming weekend. It requires a sincere commitment to reform that recognizes perfection may be unattainable but maintains the ambition for it.
Those hopelessly racked with guilt due to the enormity of their prior wrongdoing may take comfort in knowing that since our species began walking upright, we have done everything under the sun billions of times. On the other hand, the “I could do worse” or “he is worse than me” attitudes are the enemies of honest reformation. Better role models are the “bad” actors who turned their lives around (i.e., former gangbangers who run anti-gang groups, the Biblical example of Saul/Paul).
As with forgiving others, self-forgiveness does not eliminate memories of your past offenses nor make you feel good about them. Rather than allowing the painful memory to justify inaction or lead to reoccurrence, use it to inspire your reformation and resolve to avoid the offense perpetually.
The Reward
As with last week’s forgiveness Step, there is a faith-based component to forgiveness of self. The Old and New Testaments contain messages of God granting forgiveness that washes away life-draining guilt.
When approached correctly, self-forgiveness releases you from guilt’s prison and removes feelings of unworthiness so you can be the best for yourself and all those you encounter.
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Commit to reform, forgive yourself, and go forth boldly.