Chip off the Old Block
While refraining from supplying the answer, cajoling our mentees to think and act like we do (or should) is an alluring temptation. Besides the error of your ways, emulation is rarely productive.
Recently, Bob Sr. lamented that Bob Jr. was not approaching his college search correctly. If it were up to him, Senior would emphasize the percentage of Ph.D.s on the faculty and academic rankings instead of where his friends were going and Greek life.
I know Senior was an excellent soccer player in his youth, and Junior is a star baseball player for his high school. I asked Senior why he did not mold his son into a soccer player. Senior said Junior is different from him and has a natural aptitude and remarkable passion for baseball. Senior wholeheartedly supports Junior becoming the best possible baseball player by hiring private coaches, driving him to practice, and cheerleading at nearly every game.
I then asked Senior if he wanted to help Junior make the best college decision he could or if he wanted to impose his judgment on Junior’s decision. Did he consider Junior different from him, having different talents and interests?
Senior responded by telling me he hated my questions even though he appreciated the learning they brought. Of course, Senior needs to guide a testosterone-fueled adolescent in making a monumental decision. Still, the process is not convincing him to think your way, but it is nurturing him like a gardener does his flowers.
Note: I have turned off the public comments section to spare you my children’s harsh assessment of their father’s parenting skills.
The objective is to help your mentees be their best and not perform a Pygmalion transformation of Eliza Doolittle.
An energetic, 35-year-old female entrepreneur wanted help with an investor fund-raising document and came to me looking for magic words. This apparent subject matter expertise request required mentorship guidance.
While I could assist her with distilling and refining the proper messaging, I instructed her not to copy any specific words or phrases I said verbatim. I aimed to help her make the most of her words and voice. Engaging a listless, 60-year-old male unemployed writer as a ventriloquist would yield a low-quality TV voice-over. Her words and voice, rather than mine, communicate more authentically, passionately, and effectively any message she delivers.
Sometimes Insoulable
Sometimes, you will not know the questions to ask, or the answers cannot avoid painful circumstances. Suggesting an alternative perspective to redirect focus can reduce the stress exacerbating its effect.
Barbara informed me that her boyfriend was moving to another city, and she was deeply concerned about its effect on their relationship. Unfortunately, I do not have any long-distance relationship hacks, and I resisted the temptation to tell this snowflake that my generation only had paper and envelopes instead of cell phones and FaceTime.
I asked if her friends with boyfriends living in the same city feel pressured to develop and “resolve” their relationships. Barbara replied the ever-present question, “Is this the one?” burdens those couples. I then asked if relationships would develop more organically without the looming question.
Barbara found comfort in this new perspective, and it reduced the anxiety that could have been an impediment. Eighteen months later, I was dancing at her wedding reception!
Alternative perspectives can help even seemingly hopeless situations. Viktor Frankl, psychologist, concentration camp survivor, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, could only offer an inconsolable widower this observation – your survival spared your wife this grief.
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In Other Words
No matter how ripped your abs are due to the carnivore diet, you cannot recommend it to a vegetarian.
Moving your baby to another room does not solve his obsession with that electric socket, but it does provide a nice respite.