This message is not a tribute to Marvin Gaye’s beseeching ballad or a Cosmopolitan magazine how-to-please-your-lover guide but one designed to stimulate thinking about our sexual indulgences.
If there is ever a subject about which I might feel imposter syndrome, this is it. Well, here we go…
Perception v. Reality
When you consider the time invested at the beauty parlor and haberdashery and the mental energy expended daydreaming about and plotting for sexual relations in comparison to the fleeting moments with our eyes rolled back in our heads emitting an earth-shattering scream, you know sex is more than a physical sensation.
The odor of eau de toilette, a plump tush in low-rise jeans, and a viral TikTok account are noticeably absent from the predictors of a satisfying sex life. Instead, mundane things like a happy relationship, excellent communication, frequent displays of affection, and emotional intimacy are most influential.
We are aware of these predictors when we exclaim “aww” upon seeing grey-haired senior citizens dancing cheek-to-cheek(facial). We lack knowledge when we view romantic gym flex photo partners as sexual role models.
Mind Over Body
The most important sexual organ is not between our legs but between our ears. We use sex to satisfy our desires for excitement, lust, intimacy, attraction, desirability, love, etc.
Note the difference between cause and effect. Genuinely rewarding sex is a product of love and intimacy. Sex does not create them or solve relationship issues any more than having a baby fixes a troubled marriage.
Regretfully, too much sexual activity is motivated by a need for validation. The Lothario views a romp in the sack as a conquest. The alley cat’s promiscuity confirms her desirability.
Even with a carefree, friends-with-benefits situationship, sexual relations expose an exceptionally private part of us. Validation-motivated sex can be very pleasurable physically but devoid of emotional intimacy. Worse, the pleasure distracts us from its cost, building an emotional callousness that impedes intimacy with the right partner.
Have you ever regretted giving your special part to someone who did not deserve it? Worse, have you selfishly taken someone’s part to fulfill your unworthy desire?
If we fully appreciated what was at risk, we would jealously guard our sexuality like our time and calories. We would save it for the right person at the right time.
There Will Come a Day
There is wisdom in the following story, even if you are not of the age of plummeting hormones or enlarged prostates.
One of our friends recently told us that prostate treatment rendered him incapable of intercourse. Sensing the gravity of the situation, I asked how he could possibly meet the monumental task of finding something to occupy the ten minutes a month he previously invested in intercourse.
Moreover, his wife did not seem overly troubled by this development, which led me to believe his bragging about his sexual prowess for 25 years was a gross exaggeration. I love this couple and am not insensitive to the issue; I appreciate the desire for ability, even if it is unnecessary. Fortunately, they more than satisfy each other’s crucial emotional needs.
Perhaps the moral of the story is to consider a different perspective. There may be a day when we regard our fruitless sexual pursuits like the person on their deathbed regards too much time at the office. It served a purpose but was not the best one and could become detrimental.
The Good Stuff
My purpose is not to provoke shame over previous ill-advised liaisons; all but the most virtuous have indulged too many times. Rather than wallow in guilt over past questionable pleasures, use the experiences as your teacher for today’s actions.
All these words and no mention of faith-based prohibitions against some sexual practices? I have if you believe faith principles are instructions to act in your best interest while avoiding harm to yourself and others.
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Sex is a precious gift – use it wisely, well, and often!