Last week, I wrote about the value of prudently selecting your tribe members. Today, I write about who you should avoid being, being with, and the peril of indifference when selecting your companions.
Our moms told us not to hang out with troublemakers because she feared us becoming one. My dad told me, “If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.” Consider the impact interactions have on your disposition. After spending time together, are you refreshed or drained?
Despite the simplicity of this association principle, we fail to use it or we disabuse it. Let us examine the characters appearing in our real-life, Shakespearean drama.
The Awful. You know the person who exclusively seeks the company of the upper class and has no use for anyone else. Like a moth drawn to light, they hover around the exalted, hang on their every word, and laugh boisterously at every joke to ingratiate themselves. Besides inappropriate, they are usually ineffective. While ambition may blind the would-be social climber, the recipients of their overtures are not similarly impaired. Do not be this person.
The Accomplice. Do you have a partner-in-crime only for those occasions you wish to venture into a discotheque or burlesque hall?
A more benign example is the people I congregate with on my food/beverage cheat day. You will not find me in the company of teetotalers or the height/weight proportionate. No, I carefully select those with great proficiency for overindulgence who will facilitate mine.
If we are honest with ourselves, the companion who gives us license to do what we should avoid is someone we should avoid.
The Less of. Who should you see less of? Simply ask yourself if the connection helps either of you learn, grow, or advance your positive objectives. Do you have “friends” with whom you never do anything but kill time? Enough chit chat about the weather or your favorite Netflix series, what enduring lesson did your grandparents teach you, why did you choose your favorite charity, or how did an acquaintance’s passing change you?
You may also come to the realization the “obligatory” social function is not so obligatory. Or, you arrive early or late to allow a special dinner with your significant other. Rather than remain part of an interminably long, boring cocktail conversation, you excuse yourself after a few minutes (and you will no longer be the perpetrator of such conversations).
Seek to change the quality of your interactions. If you cannot, reduce the quantity of time you spend without progress. The purpose of the analysis is not to transform us into boring, deep thinkers but to have us invest in relationships where we deliver and receive more value.
The Clinger. Invariably, there is one who resists your attempts at reducing or eliminating contact. It is the friend who says they need and want your girlfriend advice but never takes it. If your relationship has not proven beneficial, continuing it in the same form is likely unbeneficial (perhaps enabling). Distancing is not abandonment and may be the necessary catalyst for action towards a solution. At this point, the clinger needs your discipline more than your companionship.
The Unavoidable. Despite your intentions and discipline, you will decide it serves a greater good to be in the company of those on your disassociation list. You do not want to miss a family reunion or company picnic because you have a beef with a cousin or colleague.
When compelled into proximity, avoid contact, grin and bear it when unavoidable, and always maintain your composure. Most of all, do not let the offensive party’s presence distract you from the reason for and the joy of attending.
Category 1-5. I once heard you should categorize people by those you could (i) live with, (ii) spend a weekend with, (iii) enjoy an evening with, (iv) spend a few minutes with, and (v) not spend a minute with. Categorization may yield uncomfortable answers, but they guide decisions about the use of your precious time.
Ultimately, you are the protagonist in relating to your life’s cast of characters. Consider carefully, decide wisely, and invest prudently.
