Under the Light of Day
Most of our self or external criticism cannot withstand the simple but often unasked question, “Is it true?” An objective self-assessment casts aside negative beliefs and their harmful consequences.
A friend recently attended a high-brow executive leadership program at Yale University and I requested a meeting to discuss one of my serious issues. Before we could take our seats, I blurted out that I am a bad leader and desperately need some of his Ivy-league education. I expected a scholarly response, but the first words out of his mouth were, “What is the evidence of that?”
He said I ran a business for 25 years, led a non-profit as interim CEO and Board Chair during a contentious leadership transition at the onset of the COVID pandemic, and recently co-founded a flourishing trade association. He immediately added I have room for improvement but “bad” is not a word he would use to describe my leadership.
I gave myself a poor leadership grade by using a “should have” standard that minimizes what was accomplished. My company was not a household name like Tyson Foods, the non-profit did not double its reach in six months, and a similar trade association has twice as many members.
Do you regard yourself as (i) a poor performer despite receiving good performance reviews and exceeding your sales quota because you are not in the top ten percent sales club or (ii) an inadequate parent even though your children are healthy, happy, and progressing in school because they are not the one child who made the honor roll, is the starting quarterback, and plays first chair violin?
Where did these expectations come from? Does anyone have the authority to tell you how much money you should make, how much you should weigh, or what your children should be doing? Overbearing bosses and parents and social media may prompt us, but it is our thoughts we manifest into mostly unrealistic, guilt-inducing “should” expectations.
The “Is it true?” question also applies to external criticism. Just because someone vocalizes or posts an opinion does not make it true. We consume an abundance of fake news with a grain of salt but broadcasts about ourselves we accept sodium-free. How much less troubled by criticism would we be if we received it with the same filter we use for fake news?
Our Selective Memory
Our inclination to establish inappropriate standards is matched by our predisposition to recall in pain-staking detail our negative actions while barely remembering our positive ones. I distinctly remember the day fifteen years ago I unfairly criticized a team member in front of his peers and another time five years earlier I allocated him an inadequate portion of a bonus pool. However, I can scarcely recall anything that justified him calling me the best boss ever when I sold the business, but he did.
You probably remember one test you failed in high school more clearly than the day you were added to the honor roll or the time your gossiped about your friend instead of the many times you let her cry on your shoulder that inspired her to write “best friends forever” in your yearbook.
You are NOT off the Hook
While we can be relieved to know we are not as bad as we thought or have been informed, the purpose of this message is not solely to soothe our fragile egos. It is to remove negative, self-defeating thoughts that impede progress. Essentially, we need to get right with ourselves to unlock our potential.
Since accomplishment is a pillar of the fulfilling life, we need lofty aspirations and a desire for continuous improvement. As a result, we are obligated to ask ourselves what is true about a criticism, determine how to correct it, and act on the solution.
It is Both
Use the “Is it true” question when facing criticism to (i) relieve you of untruths that bring you down and (ii) uncover desired opportunities for improvement.
