…Gratitude
This trite saying, even though true, gets on my nerves like fingernails scraping on a chalkboard (is that still a thing?), especially when I want to wallow in my misery.
At the same time, grateful people are psychologically and physically healthier than the ungrateful, making gratitude worthy of pursuit.
Whatever For?
When asked, our thoughts naturally turn toward our possessions – climate-controlled homes, a full belly, and the latest iPhone.
When we experience a reversal, well-intentioned people tell us to think about how much better we have it than the less fortunate. When prompted like that, my thoughts turn to those more fortunate, with fatter bank accounts and multiple vacation homes.
The comparison with the “less” fortunate is not what they lack but what they have compared to us. Not so remarkably, many who have far less materially possess far more happiness than us. The less fortunate teach us they find joy in appreciating the things we too often take for granted.
The joyful people in my dad’s hometown of Forino, Italy, appreciate simple, delicious food, inexpensive, locally-produced wine, fresh air, the sight of the lush wooded mountains, and most importantly, meaningful connection with family and friends.
Longtime friends revel in playing scopa in the piazza while rehashing decades-old arguments and excitedly talking about the upcoming celebration of their niece’s wedding.
The townspeople also experience low wages, rising prices, and deaths of loved ones and complain about an incompetent government, but their dispositions indicate gratitude prevails over these poor circumstances. Or focusing on the right circumstances leads to gratitude.
What about the Troubles?
Optimists saying, “At least something good came from it,” suggests attributing positivity to an adverse event. Looking at everything as a gift is beyond my capacity, but I am thankful we can make good use of everything.
I appreciate having the freedom of speech to condemn the hateful people who exercised their freedom of speech by waving Nazi flags outside an Anne Frank play. I am grateful their action will have the opposite effect of their intentions by generating an outpouring of support for the Jewish community.
By separating the catalyzing event from its byproduct, we can be profoundly thankful for the support of the Jewish community without ever appreciating the despicable act.
How to Cultivate?
Gratitude is a muscle built by consistent, intentional practices.
Our default practice is situational and prospective – grateful once the love, job, or something we desire arrives or when we are relieved of illness, grief, or another burden we wish to escape. However, you cannot receive the joyfulness and optimism gratitude provides by starting when the need arises any more than you can begin studying the night before the exam.
Sometimes, the practice is shifting your perspective. You may appreciate things you initially resent, like financially supporting your irresponsible sibling. But, when you consider the benefit conferred and your ability to provide it, you happily buy your sister’s airline ticket to witness your parents’ joy when the whole family is together and appreciate having the financial resources to do it. You transform “have to do” to “get to do.”
Particularly challenging times require gritting your teeth and girding your loins. Even worse, practicing gratitude at those times may not bring you the desired relief (it may even frustrate you by forcing you to think positively). Still, gratitude can provide strength to persevere and prevent you from sinking into hopeless despair.
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Give thanks for the good times and in the bad times, and you will understand gratitude is not for all circumstances but can be present despite any circumstance.