Be There For Them
My lunch partner became teary-eyed and revealed that a 40-year-old friend had passed away after a long illness. Bob sought relief from the pain of losing a loved one.
At these times, we are understandably sad, turn inward and think about other losses we have suffered or our mortality. While you cannot and should not avoid your grieving process, the most immediate and highest need you can serve is someone else’s. We can follow a recommendation given to those who feel down or depressed, be in service to others. In this case, the immediate family members.
What to Do?
First, express your condolences. Do not fail to acknowledge the loss and miss an opportunity to comfort as my friend did when my sister died, and have it used as an example in a blog post 35 years later.
Do not burden yourself with selecting the perfect words; they do not exist. The only guidance you need is that condolences are always and only about the grieving person. This is not the time to talk about your good times with your friend, how heartbroken you are, or your Uncle Harry, who suffered from the same disease. Heartfelt words focused on the recipient always serve their purpose.
Do not fret that you are not close enough or need to wait a polite amount of time. Did you ever hear the spouse say someone was not entitled to express condolences or called too soon? You are more likely to be insufficient than inappropriate.
Please know that the world’s most ineffective question is, “What can I do for you?” “Nothing” is the near-universal response. If you are able and genuinely inclined, declare a specific intention, “I am bringing fajitas for 12 from Gloria’s to your house on Tuesday at 5 pm.” If this is inappropriate, they will tell you, and you can adjust accordingly.
Be cautious when deciding if and to what extent you invoke faith. While faith is the best source of peace, a grieving mother may be mad at God at this stage, and mentioning faith may unnecessarily inflame those feelings.
More than words or offers of assistance, your presence is the most effective expression of support. A warm embrace, holding hands, and eye contact speak volumes. Ultimately, the grieving person wants what everyone wants, to be heard, even when her language is silence.
Then What?
Immediately after a death, the family typically receives an avalanche of visitors and messages of sympathy. Soon afterward, the mourners depart and return to their busy daily routines. Communication dwindles quickly, especially if the decedent was the main point of contact.
In the months following the funeral, the family often feels alone and wonders if anyone remembers (i.e., cares). A few brief outreaches can meet this crucial need. You need not fear that you will stir up unhappy memories. Do you think they will say, “I had forgotten about Stan’s death until Richard reminded me”?
The timing and form depend on your relationship, but almost any work. Despite feeling unnatural, calendar appointments are highly effective for this purpose. It is better to schedule and do than not and miss.
I recently invested ten seconds texting a friend who lost her husband nearly a year ago to ask how she and her children were doing. Sue isn’t really my friend; she was the best friend of my cousin, who passed away a few years ago. In fact, I did not have her phone number until my cousin’s brother delivered it with the news of her husband’s death.
She responded with so many words thanking me that she barely had room to tell me they were doing OK. Nothing was special about my message or our relationship; the mere act made a meaningful impact by communicating that someone remembers and cares.
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The list is not long or complex: be present, offer words, listen, and repeat. The effort pales in comparison to the great benefit conferred.
Is there a grieving person you can bring joy to today with a small gesture?
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Next week, the words to address Bob’s (our) grief.
