Doing it Wrong
We all have or had a nemesis, the parent who nags you about having children, a boss who calls you on the weekend, or the friend who is always an hour late for dinner.
We reach a breaking point, grit our teeth, and threaten that the relationship is over if they ever do “that” again. In one apparent fell swoop, we go from tolerating the behavior to issuing a relationship-ending ultimatum.
Unfortunately, this type of boundary setting is likely ineffective and unfair to both parties.
The adversarial approach frequently elicits a defensive reaction like “It isn’t that bad, I don’t do it that often, or you are too sensitive,” leading to counterproductive dialogue.
A without warning, “last chance” edict does not afford the other party a realistic opportunity to change their ways. The boss who says I will fire you if you are ever late again might as well fire you today.
Moreover, a hasty end may result in self-deprivation. Your tolerance of the offensive activity indicates you believe the association has some value and additional investment is justified.
Defined
We need to think about boundaries differently. The objective is not to break the relationship but to build it. Their purpose is to eradicate issues that erode a relationship.
A boundary is a standard for what you will accept. Its effectiveness depends on your reaction to its violation.
We mistakenly believe a boundary controls another’s actions. We fail to remember we have as much control over another as we do the weather.
We can only control what we will tolerate and our reaction when the intolerable occurs. Our friend’s extreme tardiness compels us to set a standard for promptness, and the boundary requires us to act when they are late.
How
Begin by thinking about what you can accept, not what you have experienced. Remember, your best friends are occasionally late, fail to return a phone call, or tease you about your hairstyle. What is fair, appropriate, and consistent with self-respect?
You have probably tolerated the objectionable conduct without effectively conveying your feelings for too long. “They should know better” is presuming or hopeful, not communication. You may need to acknowledge that part of the reason it has gotten to this uncomfortable point is your failure to communicate.
Communicate the standard in a direct, positive, and non-threatening manner. The objective is to create an environment for the association to continue and grow. If the recipient is unreceptive, you have or will soon have your answer.
Now What?
The real test comes after the communication. Since the improper conduct has been a pattern of behavior, you can expect it will happen again.
Except for not touching the hot stove again, you have violated your standards while breaking a habit. The day you decided to stop smoking or biting your nails was most likely not the last time you had a cigarette or finger in your mouth.
You might accept another violation of the standard, but you must maintain the same discipline used to break any habit, which the current circumstance is – your excessive tolerance of offensive behavior.
When the offender shows up a half hour late again, keep the promise to yourself to enforce the boundary. Tell them you will not wait more than five minutes next time. You need not give but a couple of chances before making yourself unavailable.
Your counterpart’s behavior will likely change if you are clear with the standard and firm in maintaining your boundaries. When you stand up to the schoolyard bully, they usually stand down.
If they do not change in short order, they are making known they disrespect you or your standard. Your reaction reveals your self-respect.
What if the perpetrator is your boss or the leader of your friend group? The analysis does not change, but the potential consequences are magnified. Fortunately, the reward for action is commensurate with the courage required. Whatever the outcome, you should not accept remaining in the job or friend group under the same circumstances.
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Ironically, boundaries do not divide but build. Robert Frost was right, “Good fences make good neighbors.”
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