Who Is the Fairest One of All?
The issue is not possessing the Evil Queen’s vanity but our negative internal voice. Too often, we talk to ourselves more critically than we would ever speak to someone else.
Of course, the parents who said, “You will never amount to anything,” the schoolyard bullies who teased you about your high-water pants, or gossiping co-workers who complain you are the weak link may fuel your negative voice. However, we hold ourselves down more than anyone else does.
The Invisible Hand
Establishing unrealistic, guilt-inducing expectations and our predisposition to recall our unfavorable actions much more than our favorable ones dishonors our accomplishments and fosters doubts about our abilities.
Do you regard yourself as (i) a poor performer despite receiving good reviews and exceeding your sales quota because you are not in the top ten percent sales club or (ii) an inadequate parent even though your child is healthy, happy, and progressing in school because he is not the one child who made the honor roll, is the starting quarterback, and plays first chair violin?
Do you remember one test you failed in high school more clearly than the many times you appeared on the honor roll or the one moment you ignored your friend instead of the many occasions you let her cry on your shoulder that inspired her to write “best friends forever” in your yearbook?
We also search for and tell ourselves we lack some attribute (e.g., not smart enough, not coming from the right family) to obtain what we desire and what could be ours.
As a single man, women rarely declined my invitation for a date. Was I a ladies’ man? No, I did not give them a chance. I convinced myself I was not good-looking, rich, or charming enough to receive a positive response and preempted myself by not asking. Thankfully, the person who set me up on a blind date with Cathy rescued me from myself.
And, when we accomplish something we consider noteworthy, our minds may cruelly succumb to the imposter syndrome. Ironically, we believe we are incapable or unworthy of what we actually do.
The Response
Most self-criticism cannot withstand the simple but unasked question, “Is it true?” An objective self-assessment would most likely judge your actions and abilities much more favorably. Doubtful or incapable of self-objectivity?
Pretend you are speaking with a similarly afflicted friend. If they expressed pessimism or doubt, you probably would react by exclaiming, “How could someone with your talent and ability possibly think that!” and follow with kind and encouraging words dispelling the pessimism. If you performed this exercise, you might learn to be as good to yourself as you are to your friends.
Self-affirmation exercises are also useful. You can also refer to last year’s post addressing self-limiting beliefs.
A Caveat & Admonition
Negativity can result from tragic events requiring professional intervention to address correctly. For example, child victims of abuse suffer profound wounds to their self-esteem. Fortunately, most can benefit from therapeutic treatment to transition from victims to survivors.1
While we may be relieved to know we are not as bad as we thought, the purpose of this message is not solely to soothe our fragile egos.
Since accomplishment is a pillar of a fulfilling life, we need some things that contribute to our negative voice – lofty aspirations and a desire for continuous improvement. The key is not allowing them to cross the line of motivation and become counterproductive.
Negative self-talk may be instructive by revealing an opportunity for growth. We must ask ourselves what is true about a criticism, determine how to correct it and act on the solution. The “not smart enough” tag may signal you are not putting forth sufficient effort toward learning.
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Be kind and honest with yourself to break free of self-defeating thoughts and to capitalize on your true potential.
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1If you are a victim of child abuse, I implore you to seek assistance regardless of your age and when it occurred. You can find excellent resources at the Children’s Advocacy of Collin County.