Despite our awareness that we benefit by forgiving others and ourselves, we deny ourselves by surrendering control over our forgiveness decisions.
Them
Often, our most significant stumbling block to forgiving others is making it contingent on the offender’s remorse; “I will not forgive him until he apologizes.” However, requiring repentance is the equivalent of asking permission to be relieved of your pain. Would you ask the guy who broke your nose in a barroom brawl if you can go to the doctor?
We forget that the forgiver is the first beneficiary of forgiveness. It releases the wounded from the emotional burden inevitably resulting from holding onto anger. We should not perpetuate the offender’s injury by refusing to obtain the healing resulting from forgiveness.
Last year’s post on forgiving others addressed other vital aspects, such as the virtue of forgetting, its faith-based origins, and the necessity of maintaining appropriate boundaries to avoid reinjury or preserve reparations.
Us
For the same reason you forgive others, you need to forgive yourself. Instead of being imprisoned by anger, guilt and shame incarcerate you. They create feelings of unworthiness that rob you of your peace. However, self-forgiveness goes beyond removing negative emotions; it empowers you to do good. You cannot best support your friend, raise your children, or love your partner while confined in a guilt prison.
Must you first apologize and make reparations? Remorse may create a desire to make things right, but it cannot be a prerequisite due to frequent impossibility (i.e., cannot locate the injured parties, they refuse the offer, or the reparation will cause more harm). Where you can make it right, provide what your victim needs. For sage counsel, refer to making amends in 12-step programs.
What if your former friend will never forgive you for spreading false gossip about her not liking a mutual friend? For the same reason we cannot allow our assailants to block healing through forgiveness, we cannot permit our victims to prevent self-forgiveness. Those who cannot self-forgive are more likely to spread more gossip than the forgiven ones, who regret the injury inflicted and would avoid inflicting more.
There is a prerequisite to self-forgiveness. You must come to the table remorseful and committed to ceasing your transgressions. The “I could do worse” or “He is worse than I” attitudes are the enemies of honest reformation.
Self-forgiveness is not a get-out-of-jail-free card nor an excuse for lukewarm reformation. I cannot forgive myself for last week’s gluttony when I made reservations at the all-you-can-eat buffet for this weekend.
What about…
As with forgiving others, self-forgiveness does not eliminate memories of your past offenses nor make you feel good about them. Rather than allowing the painful memory to justify inaction or lead to reoccurrence, use it to fortify your resolve to avoid the offense perpetually.
I will let you decide your motivation, but there is also faith-based support for the forgiveness of self. The Old and New Testaments contain messages of God granting forgiveness that washes away life-draining guilt.
When approached correctly, self-forgiveness releases you from guilt’s chains and feelings of unworthiness so you can be the best for yourself and all those you encounter. Missing the opportunity to do better because of guilt and shame could be a tragedy greater than the original wrongdoing, as the period and degree of doing better may far exceed the prior offense.
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Decide to forgive and reap the rewards of healing and empowerment.