The dreaded phone call brings news of death that triggers grief, even when it comes as expected after a long illness.
While we cannot and should not avoid our grieving process, today’s message addresses our response to others. The closest family members possess the most immediate and highest needs. Even if you are one of them, serving others is necessary and good medicine for yourself.
What to Do?
First, express your condolences; you need not wait a polite amount of time or for some prompting. Do not miss an opportunity to comfort as my friend did when my sister died, and have it used as an example in a blog post 35 years later.
Remarkably, history repeated itself after my mother’s recent passing. A week after my mom’s passing, a 55-year-old acquaintance sent me a chatty text updating me on his recent activities without mentioning my mom. When I informed him my mom had died the previous week, he responded that he already knew and was sorry for me.
Second, do not burden yourself with the obligation to select the perfect words; they do not exist and would not be remembered anyway in the blur of activity after death. Any heartfelt words focused on the recipient serve their purpose.
Stories of dearly departed Bob, fondly talking about how proud he was when his daughter graduated from college, or how Bob was there for me when I was going through tough times are invaluable. It is not the time to talk about your Uncle Harry, who suffered from the same illness.
Third, do not fret that you are not close enough or need to wait a polite amount of time. Did you ever hear the spouse say someone was not entitled to express condolences or called too soon? You are far more likely to be insufficient than inappropriate.
A recent and “bare” acquaintance consistently sent me supportive messages, including on Mother’s Day after my mom’s death. I never thought, “You don’t know me that way,” and you are not entitled to send me these notes. Instead, I was profoundly grateful for her interest and comforting words.
Fourth, be cautious if and to what extent you mention faith. Even a devout mother may feel abandoned by or mad at God, and telling her that her daughter’s death is part of God’s divine master plan may unnecessarily aggravate those feelings.
Ultimately, your presence is the most effective expression of support. A warm embrace, hand-holding, and eye contact speak volumes. The grieving person wants to be heard, even when her language is silence.
Then What?
Last year, I wrote about the need to maintain contact after the initial grieving period when communication dwindles, and the family often feels alone and wonders if anyone remembers (i.e., cares).
The example of my acquaintance’s overwhelmingly grateful response to my brief text message a year after her husband’s funeral proves there is a need you can meet.
When do you stop? Do not ignore the missing person out of fear you will stir up unhappy memories. Do you think they will say, “I had forgotten about Stan’s death until you reminded me”? More likely, their reaction will be joyful.
While chatting with one of your fellow subscribers, I told her that I wish Paul, her husband who passed away more than five years ago, could give me his feedback on my writing. I then worried that mentioning his name might upset her. On the contrary, she exclaimed that she loved that I remembered him, said his name aloud, and thought of him in the present tense.
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Make your presence and simple words a source of comfort for the grieving. The effort pales in comparison to the benefit conferred.
Is there a grieving person you can bring peace to today?
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