Their Part
The lyrics from a 1967 Beatles song remain true today, “Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.”
We are born with less knowledge than a turtle that intuitively knows to crawl out of its sandy nest and use moonlight to find its ocean home. Someone taught us everything we know; your mother had to bring you to her breast. The lessons may come at our mother’s knee, in a classroom, or on the street corner from our friends. This blog’s messages are full of learnings generously poured into me by others.
I have the great fortune of being part of a group I believe would do anything for me. Interestingly, I seldom need to call upon them in an “anything” way. Not because my life is free from troubles but because knowledge of their availability fortifies me during troubling times, and their regular counsel equips me to deal with them. When confronted with a vexing situation, I literally can hear their voices in my head.
Your Part
We want inspiration and backing to continually “be better,” more knowledgeable, virtuous, and accomplished. We also need it when we suffer one of life’s inevitable misfortunes. Deriving benefits from others does not make us takers but receivers of our partner’s gifts. It is equally important that we reciprocate, not out of obligation, but from a place of gratitude and to realize the benefit of giving support.
Without going into a lecture on how to be a friend, I suggest you start by being the friend you wish to have. If this approach is unsuccessful, reconsider your wishes. If it is too burdensome, you have selected your recipient unwisely or want to receive more than give.
No Reason to Avoid
One of my colleagues confided that she has difficulty asking for help because her parents taught her to be strictly self-reliant. She also felt that requesting aid was an admission of ignorance or weakness and feared that she was inconveniencing the person asked. I responded by inquiring what she felt when someone requested support. She replied that she welcomed the opportunity and appreciated that the requester thought so highly of her to seek her guidance.
I followed by seeking her opinion of the requesters. She admired their desire to learn and the strength to ask when it revealed a lack of knowledge or confidence. At the risk of acting like a TV police detective, I continued my interrogation. Do you think people have the same thoughts when you inquire? What has been your experience when you mustered the courage to ask?
When you do not seek help, you deprive someone of the opportunity to be of service. Have you ever been disappointed when you learned a friend had a problem with a troubled child, ill spouse, or difficult co-worker and had not contacted you for support? When they told you they were embarrassed or did not want to bother you, did you scream, “This is what I am here for!”?
The Alternative Perspective
Is an accomplishment tarnished because it required external support, or is it a virtue that one took advantage of available resources? Is the valedictorian belittled for employing a tutor or joining a study group with honor-roll students?
Reliance on your tribe is only a hindrance when it becomes dependence. Like a good parent, an effective tribe guides you with a loose hand and leaves you space to fail. They let you exercise your judgment but will stop you from doing something that will wind up on your “permanent” record.
_______________________________________________________
In 1624, English poet John Done accurately wrote, “No man is an island.” Make an effort, be a friend for their sake and yours.