No Way!
You often hear, “I will not forgive her until she apologizes.” When we make forgiveness contingent on the offender expressing remorse, offering an apology, and making amends, we do not appreciate the purpose of forgiveness or the consequences of unforgiveness.
The forgiver is forgiveness’s first beneficiary. The act of forgiving releases the wounded from the emotional burden inevitably resulting from holding onto anger. Wise sages say that harboring anger is the same as swallowing poison with the hope it harms someone else.
Most people acknowledge happiness is derived from within and not dependent on what others think, say, or do. However, many cannot muster the will to forgive if the offender is unrepentant. This position is the functional equivalent of asking permission from your assailant to be relieved of your pain. Why would we deny ourselves the relief found in forgiveness by making it dependent upon the actions of the person who wounded us?
It Takes Strength
Those suggesting a forgiving disposition is a sign of weakness do not understand the strength required to forgive and resist the impulsive reactions valued by our society and overcome the natural inclination to protect our ego.
Who displayed more strength? Will Smith, who reacted to an insult against his wife by slapping Chris Rock, or Chris Rock, who displayed incredible restraint and prevented escalation into something far more harmful? While your first impulse may have been to admire Smith’s “courage” for defending his wife’s honor, the aptly named Rock displayed superior strength by not succumbing to a retaliatory impulse.
If you require victory, realize that forgiveness robs the offender’s ability to control you. You have undoubtedly been insulted. If you ignore (forgive) the first insult, the insulter may continue firing verbal daggers in hopes of triggering you to lose self-control.
Imagine how you would frustrate the insulter if you never responded in anger. The antagonist would sputter, trying to think of increasingly disparaging slurs in an increasingly futile attempt to provoke a hostile reaction. Each subsequent jibe would make the insulter look more foolish while you are uplifted by remaining true to your principles in the face of ever-increasing pressure.
However, you would achieve an even greater triumph if your forgiveness inspired the offender to repentance. It would not be a victory in the conventional sense of public acclaim for vanquishing your opponent, but a truly beneficial result. In this situation, forgiveness releases the pain and potentially leads to the joy of reconciliation (think the biblical story of the Prodigal Son).
Empathy is also an element of the forgiveness process. We know, “Hurt people hurt people.” Their hurt is an explanation for but not an excuse for their actions. However, our awareness provides understanding and facilitates forgiveness.
Consequences Remain
Under the right circumstances, forgiving and forgetting are best as they remove an impediment to restoration. After all, we want people to forget our past indiscretions and not hold them over our heads; we want them “to get over it.”
For egregious offenses, forgiveness does not require you to act as if nothing happened or to restore the offender’s privileges. You can and should maintain boundaries to protect yourself from further wounding or to preserve necessary reparations. For example, you must remain apart from one who would abuse you again. Alternatively, parents can forgive their child’s murderers while insisting they remain imprisoned.
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I would be remiss if I did not mention forgiveness’s spiritual aspect, which is central to many religious faiths, including Christianity, Judaism, and Islam.
The decision to forgive is entirely yours. Where are you allowing an offender’s actions to prevent you from receiving the healing benefits of forgiveness?