Remarkably, I may have selected a subject more perilous than faith, but 52 Steps Forward would be incomplete without a message concerning one of our greatest preoccupations: sex.
For those expecting tips to improve your bedroom performance, you will be as disappointed as the person who told me in Will Smith to Chris Rock terms, “Keep my name out of your pen.”
Since I am no Dr. Ruth, and it is impossible to do justice to such a complex topic in 700 words, I will focus solely on our motivations and consequences.
When you consider the hours invested at the beauty parlor and haberdashery and the mental energy expended plotting for and daydreaming about fooling around in comparison to the seconds emitting an earth-shattering scream with our eyes rolled back in our heads, we know sex is much more than a physical experience.
Our Mind v. Our Heart
The most important sexual organ is not between our legs but between our ears. Sexual activity is how we satisfy our desire for excitement, validation, lust, intimacy, conquest, love, etc.
The nymphomaniac bridesmaid sleeping with the groom the night before the wedding is engaging in power play. The Lothario, etching another notch in his bedpost, is chasing conquest.
Ego-driven sex is very costly. The philandering husband thrilled with bedding a younger woman jeopardizes his marriage. The alley cat’s promiscuity provides much-craved validation but builds an emotional callous, preventing intimacy with the right partner.
Even with a carefree, friends-with-benefits attitude, sexual relations unavoidably expose and transmit an exceptionally private part of you. Have you woken up the next day and regretted giving that part to someone who did not deserve it? Worse, have you selfishly taken that special part to fulfill an unworthy desire?
Sex is NOT the Problem
Unhealthy sex is the symptom of something else, a treatment as bad as the disease, and a roadblock to the solution.
Addicts say the substance is not the problem but their favorite solution. Misused sex, even if not an addiction, has its own set of detrimental consequences. Abstinence removes only the problems indulgence brings; the cause remains.
Fortunately, abstinence removes the diversion of the emotionally scarring sex we use for temporary validation that hides the parental abandonment issue causing a desire for such relations. Once identified, the journey to recovery begins.
Perception v. Reality
The scent of Old Spice, Gucci jeans, a viral Instagram feed, a flowing mane, and the ability to do the Stanky Leg are noticeably absent from the predictors of a satisfying sex life. Instead, mundane things like a happy relationship, excellent communication, frequent displays of affection, emotional intimacy, etc., are the most influential.
We are aware of these predictors when we say “aww” upon seeing senior citizens holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes. We lack knowledge when we idolize gym-rat Ken and yoga-pants Barbie as sexual role models.
The Good Stuff
My purpose is to encourage the environment for steamy, mind-blowing lovemaking, not to provoke guilt or shame over previous fooling around. Recognition, not guilt or shame, is the catalyst toward resolution.
Genuinely satisfying sex is the result of love and emotional intimacy. There is a difference between cause and effect. While sex may enhance love and intimacy, intercourse does not create them or solve relationship issues any more than having a baby fixes a troubled marriage.
Ego-gratifying sex focuses on getting rather than giving. Like every other aspect of our lives, when focused on giving, the door is opened to receiving better than ever imagined.
Sometimes, sex education comes after our peak physical performance period. Fortunately, and not surprisingly, the learning ushers in a new period of peak satisfaction.
All these words and I have not invoked faith-based prohibitions against good-feeling sex. I have if you consider faith part of life and, therefore, part of wisdom. The commandments are instructions to act in your best interest to receive the full benefit of your sexual gift while avoiding harm to yourself and others.
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Can you discuss this message with your coital partner? If yes, and you do, you can thank me afterward. If not, you might appreciate this message even more.
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