Magnetism and Metamorphosis
Our moms told us not to hang out with troublemakers because she feared us becoming one. My dad told me, “If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.” Noted author and motivational speaker Jim Rohn stated, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.“
We naturally gravitate to those most like us and tend to adopt our companions’ traits – positive and negative. My latent desire to road cycle came to fruition when I joined a faith group coincidentally comprised of cyclists.
Elitest?
Based solely on this guilt-by-association principle, we would only select those ahead of us to the exclusion of all others – more affluent, more intelligent, more fit, etc. It is as if hanging around wealthy, skinny intellectuals would necessarily improve us. No, the most critical factor is associating with those who inspire and help us become better. Relationship partners often praise their significant other, saying, “She makes me want to be a better person.”
Understanding the inspiration standard “permits” you to associate with those objectively below (in the personal development/self-help way of thinking) your current station. Why? It satisfies your interest in uplifting others; you want to take them along with you. It also allows you to pay it forward in return for those who have helped you along the way.
Beneficiary
You need not fear that your association will drag you down; no one can take you where you do not wish to go. The teenager who went bad when she fell in with the wrong crowd went with the desire to fit in.
You do need to distinguish between a beneficiary and an accomplice. Do you have a partner-in-crime for those occasions you wish to venture into a discotheque or burlesque hall?
A more benign example is the people I congregate with on my cheat day. You will not find me in the company of teetotalers or the height/weight proportionate. No, I carefully select those with demonstrated proficiency in overindulgence, which can facilitate mine.
In short, the companion who gives us a license to do what we should avoid is someone we should avoid.
Barometer
After spending time together, are you invigorated, drained, or indifferent?
Do you have friends with whom you never do anything but kill time, chit-chatting about the weather, work, or your current Netflix obsession? Wouldn’t you prefer to hear or share who and why we are, not merely what we do or what has happened?
Recently, I attended a family event and reunited with distant cousins I had not seen in many years. We engaged in a wide-ranging conversation revealing their views on rising antisemitism, the humanitarian crisis in Gaza, college protests, political polarization killing civil discourse, and how other cultures do not make identical political affiliations a prerequisite to friendship.
You can choose less controversial but still meaningful topics. What enduring lesson did your grandparents teach you; what attracted you to your favorite charity, or why did you choose your bucket list trip?
Rather than remain part of an interminably long, boring cocktail conversation, you will redirect the group to more meaningful subject matter or excuse yourself (and pledge to no longer be the perpetrator of such discussions). The purpose is not to transform us into boring, deep thinkers but to create more valuable collaborations.
In last year’s post on this subject, I discussed the social climber, clinger, unavoidable, and a time tolerance test to guide decisions about your relationships.
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Ultimately, your choices about who you associate with and how you interact say much more about you than the interactions and participants. Consider carefully, decide wisely, and invest prudently.