Dealing With It
I had diverted Bob’s attention long enough; it was time to address his grief. I am not going to solve grief over lunch or in 700 words (or ever), but I can offer some thoughts for the grieving.
There They Go
Angst about my granddaughters leaving behind their friends when they moved from Utah to Tennessee reminded me of the thousands of people I have interacted with through school, jobs, industry associations, different cities, neighborhoods, etc. I have lost contact with virtually all as we experienced the natural drifting apart that comes with traveling through life. You could go so far as to say they are dead to me even though they may be alive and there is no animosity alienating us.
One can argue that these separations are distinguishable from death as they could be resumed in this internet era with digital footprints. While true, the successful resurrection of past relationships only occurs with slightly more frequency than the appearance of Halley’s Comet.
Reason for the Season
The earth’s seasons are accompanied by the coming and going of life that purposefully work together to maintain our life-supporting ecosystem. Similarly. we are in each other’s life for a period to serve a purpose for each other and once served, there comes a time to move on. My ride-or-die high school buddies were a crucial part of the season of my adolescence but are not meant to be part of my life today.
We can consider our relationship with a departed loved one as having served its valuable purpose and coming to its natural conclusion rather than being unfinished with too many things left undone.
In a perverse, ironic way, you may appreciate great sorrow as it directly reflects the depth of your relationship. Would you want to spare any of your sorrow by sacrificing any part of your relationship?
Anyway, a relationship is never entirely over as we continue carrying something of it. More than 35 years after my sister’s death, Sandra remains with me in more ways than the tattered picture in my briefcase. Rather than dwelling on all the family gatherings and conversations I have missed, I think about all we shared and Sandra’s love for me – from shepherding me to school, listening to me in times of difficulty, and countless other ways.
The Afterlife
Those who share a faith including an afterlife are comforted by the belief that the deceased is in a “better place.” Mother Teresa eloquently expressed this sentiment when she consoled a friend whose nephew died.
“It must have been a big shock to all of you, as you all had seen the child three days before his death alive and happy. God our loving Father, who knows us, loves us, knows the best for us, has taken [the son] for Himself to heaven, where he is now living in full the life that God wants to give us. So it is a happy and consoling thought for the parents that [he] is not dead in sin but alive fully in heaven through God’s love and mercy.”
_________________________________________________
I am not suggesting you can or should shrug off the death of a loved one as the mere passing of a season or finishing a chapter in a book. Death’s frequent suddenness, involuntary nature, and permanence intensify its effect.
You cannot and should not avoid grief. Processing it is an essential part of coping and recovery. Dealing with loss and moving onward does not mean you do not value or miss the relationship.
While applicable, this message is especially insufficient for those suffering the loss of a spouse or descendant. Cathy and I witnessed our parents grieve over the passing of their oldest child (our only siblings) and dear friends unexpectedly losing their husbands.
In all cases, I urge you to seek and utilize readily available supportive resources. There is also much wisdom in the lyrics of the Bryd’s timeless classic, Turn! Turn! Turn!.
Embrace, treasure, and carry the memory of your departed loved ones. Through pain and understanding, you can find peace.
