Hold Your Horses
We all have a nemesis: a sister who insists you watch her newborn every Saturday night, a boss who calls you on the weekend, or a friend who is always an hour late for dinner.
We reach a breaking point and threaten the end of the relationship if they ever do “that” again. In one fell swoop, we go from accepting the behavior to issuing a relationship-ending ultimatum.
Unfortunately, this type of boundary setting is likely ineffective and unfair. The adversarial approach usually elicits a defensive reaction like “It isn’t that bad, I don’t do it that often, or you are too sensitive,” frequently leading to counterproductive dialogue.
Without warning, the last chance edict does not allow the other party to mend their ways. The boss who says I will fire you if you are ever late again, might as well fire you today instead of waiting for the day you have a flat tire.
Importantly, the separation may result in self-deprivation. Your tolerance of the offensive activity indicates you believe the association has some value and warrants additional investment.
Misdirected
We mistakenly believe a line of demarcation controls another’s actions. We fail to remember we have as much control over someone else as we do the weather.
A boundary is a limit. Its effectiveness depends on your reaction to its violation.
We can only control what we will tolerate and our reaction when the intolerable occurs. Our friend’s extreme tardiness compels us to set a standard for promptness that requires a response when they are late.
How
Begin by thinking about what you want to accept, not what you have tolerated. Remember, your best friends are occasionally late, fail to return a phone call, or tease you about your hairstyle. What is appropriate and consistent with courtesy for others and self-respect?
You have probably tolerated the objectionable conduct without effectively conveying your feelings for too long. “They should know better” is presuming or hopeful. You may need to acknowledge that part of the reason it has reached this uncomfortable point is your failure to communicate.
Communicate the standard in a direct, positive, and non-threatening manner. The objective is to create an environment for the relationship to flourish, not kill it. Effective boundaries eradicate relationship-eroding issues. You want to find ways to enjoy times with your always-too-late friends, not set a trap to end them.
Now What?
The current circumstance is also a byproduct of your habit, an excessive tolerance of offensive behavior, and requires the same discipline needed to break any habit. The day you decided to stop smoking or biting your nails was most likely not the last time you had a cigarette or finger in your mouth.
It is the same for your nemesis, who will re-offend and challenge you to enforce the standard. How will you react the next time you wait 30 minutes for your friend? Will you leave or patiently fume?
Your counterpart’s behavior will likely change if you clearly articulate and firmly maintain the standard. When you stand up to the schoolyard bully, they usually stand down. If they do not, they are communicating disrespect for you and your standard. Your reaction reveals your self-respect.
What if the perpetrator is your boss or the leader of your friend group? The analysis remains the same, but the potential consequences are more significant. Fortunately, the reward is commensurate with the courage required. Whatever the outcome, you should not accept remaining in the job or friend group under the same circumstances. If you do, acknowledge that you are unable or unwilling to change, accept it, and cease complaining.
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Ironically, boundaries do not divide but build. Robert Frost was right, “Good fences make good neighbors.”
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