Words will never hurt me. Do they teach children this lesson anymore or has it gone the way of cursive? Today’s message is for all of us – those in need of a refresher and snowflakes.
Admittedly, it is easier to more widely broadcast words today than when I learned this phrase 50+ years ago and when penned in the mid-1800s. You are no longer limited by your ability to run around the schoolyard and cup your hand over your classmate’s ear to spread your juicy gossip.
Of course, size and scope are relative. Fifty years ago, my world consisted of my schoolyard and neighborhood. Today, we consider ourselves “global” citizens and can spread our message around the world with a single keystroke on our device.
Truth?
The real issues are assigning outsized value to the message and messenger and allowing outsized impact on us. Why do we emotionally invest ourselves in Facebook and Instagram comments made by distant acquaintances, or worse, complete strangers? The root of the problem may be our need to publicize our lives on platforms inviting commentary.
When confronted with disparaging remarks, ask yourself if the commenters truly care about you or the subject or if commenting is merely a sport for them. Consider the famous quote erroneously attributed to Winston Churchill. “When you’re 20, you care what everyone thinks, when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks, when you’re 60, you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.”
On the eve of my 60th birthday, I find the quote true, liberating, and orienting. True is the reality. Liberating as it relieves me from needless concern over the opinions of others. Wait, what about the opinions of those I love and respect?
The answer is found in “orienting.” When my words and actions are directed toward the values I treasure, I will be pleased with my conduct. Since my loved and respected ones have invariably influenced the selection of my values, they will also be pleased with my value-based activity. This reasoning may involve a little “chicken or the egg,” but you are the key to its resolution.
Alternative Perspectives
Over your lifetime, you were undoubtedly the recipient of many insults, some of which deeply troubled you at the time. Today, you have forgotten most and regard virtually all of those you can recall as inconsequential. Remember this fact when you hear or see the next offensive remark. In due time, this new one shall be forgotten or relegated to its proper place.
Can you unhear/unsee what has been heard/seen? What if someone spoke poorly of you behind your back and you never learned of it? Those words could not have any effect on you. It is only your knowledge of the comments that give them agency. We can adopt the approach of a friend who is fond of saying, “what someone thinks of me is none of my business.”
The irony is we grant value where none is justified. There are those we would not trust to provide a restaurant recommendation but allow their opinions about us to trouble our minds.
We carefully count every coin at the cash register but freely allow a random comment about our politics or appearance to preoccupy our thoughts. If the entrance to our minds were as tight as our purse strings, we would not fall victim to what the TikTock generation calls “living in your head rent-free.”
There is a sad irony in these circumstances. We readily accept the negative but flippantly disregard the positive. Do you invest an equal amount of emotional energy dwelling over a flattering comment as a negative one? There would, at least, be some poetic justice if our mind reciprocated with positive comments.
Nothing in this message excuses deliberately harmful speech under the belief the recipient should be able to disregard it. Just because you can do something does not mean you should.
Takeaway
When you orient your thoughts towards your values and direct your actions towards honoring those values, your peace will not be infringed upon by the world’s inevitable assaults.
